Recently I’ve felt the need to remove myself from the lives of the people that know me. In retrospect it’s not that hard to do since they hardly see me, but I just need to be alone, idle, isolated for the time being. This became abundantly clear over a couple of weeks ago when I was hanging out with my closets friends and I just felt like there was nothing there that attached me to them. I love them both dearly and they mean the world to me, but I just feel as if I’m not capable of being the person they want or remember me to be. And then there’s the people I talk to online. Never met them in person but I feel as closely to them as I do to the people that I physically see and I just feel as if it’s not fair to them when I talk with them and I feel as if I do it out of necessity and not because I want to.
They deserve better than that. I still go out to my usual hangout, but that’s different since no one really talks to me nor really knows me. It also happens to be one of the few things where I can let my mind go and not think about, well, anything. There’s something…off about me, something not right emotionally, mentally. I need fixing.
The first step in doing this is to look inward and figure out what to do, what to fix. Though I know I’ll never be completely whole, I need to be more than what I am. I read a story about a guy who sold everything he had, bought himself a Lamborghini and traveled across the country back and forth. He did it as a response to a personal crisis in life. His fiance, who he did everything for, left him out of the blue, and since everything there was a hurtful reminder of what he had lost, he decided to sell almost all his stuff, got a car and hit the road. In the end it seemed like a sort of cleansing of the soul for him… a catharsis.
That is something I need desperately. I don’t like where I am in life, and I don’t like that I’m not doing enough to change it. I need a cleansing, a change, something to help me fix whatever is wrong. The story I spoke of ended with a quote from the guy who said, “You’re never going to live up to anyone’s expectations, so just live up to your own.” Those words echo within me, and serve as a motivation for me to be better than what I am. I know I’ll never be what people expect or want me to be, and in way that’s okay, but I need me to live up to what I have in mind for myself. I don’t know how long my self imposed exile will be, maybe a couple of weeks. Maybe a couple of months. Maybe even longer, I don’t know. But I want to be in a better place or at least halfway there, when I decide I’m ready to be able to be more personable again. I figure it would be easier for the people who know me to just read this rather than try and explain it to them one on one or whatever. I’ll still post here, not that anyone reads it, but it’ll help keep my writing and mind sharp I supposse.