Being alone allows you to reflect on a lot of things in life. It allows you to reflect on life in general. The past few weeks I’ve gone through the myriad of thoughts, feelings, things that have happened and could have happened. I’ve thought about my friends past and present. Thought about the person I’ve been, want to be and am. After all this reflection I’ve found that a lot of the things I’ve been told by people is true. I mean it’s not something I just realized, I’ve known a lot of the things I’ve finally accepted about myself for a while, but just ignored.
I’m greedy, stingy, cold, unemotional and lack a huge amount of empathy. I have a horrible work ethic, I’m apathetic and a procrastinator. I see the people around me build careers for themselves and I see myself stuck in the same place I’ve been since I was 18 and it’s sad and pathetic. I make no excuses for where I’m at in life nor do I put blame on anyone other than me for the way my life has turned out to this point. Too many times people refuse to take responsibility for their own circumstances in life and admittedly I’m no different at times. But I take responsibility for my life or lack of a life as it is for now. Fact is I hate where I’m at, hate who I am and hate that I am the way that I am. I need to work at making something at my life while I still have time to do so. I’ve spent so long thinking and believing I have time to get where I’m going, to do what I want to do, but I don’t. My time is running out and I need to climb out of this hole of a life I’ve dug for myself.
It’s been weeks (months?) since I’ve talked to anyone I consider myself close to. They haven’t called or texted me and I haven’t taken the step to do the same to them, and you know what? It’s okay. My oldest friend doesn’t bother to come over to where I live to see me whenever she visits, and looking at it from her point of view, I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to subject myself to that either. Seeing someone I’ve known for half my life stagnant, unchanged in their situation. It’s depressing. So I get it and I’m fine with it. If anything I want them to go on with their lives, and when I feel as if I’ve achieved something, feel as if my life is heading towards something then maybe I’ll reach out, make a call or a text. I don’t know when that will be, but I hope it’s not as long as it could be.
There is much work for me to do, I want to be in a whole different place in life a year from now, or at least working my way towards one. I think this could be the first step to that. I only hope.