Here’s a question I shall pose for anyone reading this: What drives you to get out of bed in the morning? I don’t mean work or school, that’s a given. I don’t mean for your family. Not for the kids or husband or wife. Again, that’s a given. I mean if you don’t have kids who rely on you, no husband or wife around. If it’s just you and no one else, and you’ve been doing it for years, working and working, trying to make your way in this life, in this world, hoping that somehow, someway you’ll finally get to where you’re going. That you’ll finally be at that place where you’re truly happy and content in your life. After all that time, all that struggling and all the setbacks. All the pain and misery and all the joy and excitement in life, yet still not achieving what you want. What gets you up each morning? What excuse do you give yourself to roll out of bed and face the day?
I ask because I’m slowly running out of excuses myself. I’m much too old to be where I am in my life, being in the situation I find myself in. It’s sad actually, and I’ve no one to blame but myself. Let me be clear, I’m not throwing a pity party, and I know there are people out there much much worse off than I. I’m simply declaring that my life isn’t where I hoped it would be. I believe a lot of people feel that way, yet each day they get up and go through their little cycle. I’ve addressed this before on here. The cycles of life that is. We have ones as kids: Getting up and going to school, coming home doing homework, hanging out with friends (or whatever is in place of that for those people like me who didn’t have very many friends) and going to bed and doing it all over again. Then as young adults: Getting up, going to college and or the job, coming home, hanging out with friends then going to bed to get up and do it all over again. Then as full fledged adults, the great cycle of our life, the pattern most of us will stay in until we’re old and gray. Getting up and going to work, coming home, and in between that doing whatever it is that keeps us sane enough before we go to bed so we can get up and go through the same damn thing again.
I look at some of the people around me, seemingly trapped in this cycle and ask how they do it? How does one constantly get up and do something they don’t want to do over and over and simply accept it? Algebra class has taught me that I’m not one of those people who can accept that idea, accept that kind of life. I’ve taken this class on many levels, over and over again, with this last time especially, it is a kind of a harsh reminder for me, that I’m not ready or able to live such a life. To get up and go someplace I have no interest in going to. Yet many people do this everyday in their lives. Going to jobs they hate, so that they can live, and maybe do something more with their lives. But truthfully, how many people move onward and upward? How many go on to do what they really want, what they’ve dreamed of? I’m guessing not many.
I know to get anywhere in life you have to work hard. You have to have the will and patience to wait for your work to pay off and the courage to not be afraid of failure and the strength to get up when you get knocked down. I know that what you dream about doing isn’t going to fall into your lap, you have to go out there and get it. I also know it takes luck to get that dream also. My dream is simple, it always has been. I want to do something that makes me happy. I don’t want a job, I want a career. In that I’m no different from everyone else, but the idea of never truly succeeding, never fully grasping that dream scares me. The idea that I may be destined to live a life of cycles where nothing truly changes, doing something I don’t want to do but have to because I need to is something I can’t quite grasp. But that idea seems to be slowly shaping into a reality, and it’s not something I know how to handle, something I can take because I don’t want to live that life, because that’s not truly living, it’s merely existing. And if all I’m going to do is exist…then what’s the point.
I don’t want to exist, I want to live. I want to get up and know that I’m going to do something different from the day before. I want to not be able to know exactly what’s going to happen. I want to know that I’ll be excited about, or at least look forward to, whatever that work’s day holds for me. I’m not saying my life needs to be great, I am saying I’d like it to be unique, I guess. I’ve addressed this subject before, and I feel the same now as I did then. I don’t need to be famous or rich. I just want to be happy, and if by chance I made the slightest bit of difference somewhere down the line in someone’s life, that would be nice to. I’m not putting down anyone who lives such a life, because I believe it takes strength to do it, to go through day after day and do something you really don’t want to do. To be someplace you really don’t want to be.
I know I want my life to be better than what it is. I want to be better than I am. I’m trying to get there. I’m trying.